Joanna Miller's Call to Commitment Reflection

Beautiful Ruggedness

Ch. 7- Growth in love, pg. 93

“Love can go in little ways, but also our withholding of ourselves is often beyond our knowing. You cannot surrender to God a self you do not know. This was surely also in the design of community: that we might find ourselves in the mirror of that community. It was as we shared the common life that one unredeemed area after another came to light. The joy of involvement was interwoven with the pain of it. Raw edges rubbed against raw edges.

We know about love in this fellowship because here we find it embodied in a way that we have not experienced in other places. Here, when there is a need, there is always a person to symbolize the God who is ever present”

It is so incredibly beautiful to read about a community in which this is a reality as well. We find here that looking into this community is much like looking into a mirror simply because we do not know what it is like to experience ourselves. It is as though once we have thrown into community, we are able to release ourselves that much more completely to the Father, because we know that we are not in this alone. We know that even when life gets hard we will have people surrounding us to remind us who we are, as individuals, and as members of this body. Vulnerability and the reality of life on life here makes life sticky, messy, and raw. Most of the time it is not given the chance to fully scab over before something else comes along to push us past the comfort of a superficial, surface-driven life. It pushes us to swim the waters of risking frustration and climb the mountains of living in tension. But there is an unexplainable joy found in these treacherous, and often times dangerous parts of life. We learn that through coming together, the journey is shared, and its not nearly as terrifying as it seemed before. We have begun to see each other truly as that conduit of Christ in each other's lives through encouragement, appreciation, and the love displayed daily to each other. The unexplainable beauty in this is that it doesn't find it's source in us, but the Spirit of the living God.

Crushed and Refined for His Will

"These Christians are a people who will throw themselves into the breach between the peace and healing of God and the loneliness, anguish, and terror of the world's lost. They stand as a bridge between man and God, willing, even eager, to become ground grain, broken bread, crushed grapes, poured out wine."

When the end goal is supposed to be the Body of Christ (bread and wine) then what good is a bunch of untarnished grapes and grain? But we walk around like this, hoping that we can still do God's will and not become crushed, and refined in the process. But that is what this process should be-- a submission to His will, His crushing and refining of our lives, our souls, and our communities.In so many ways we like this life to be easy, and we don't like going out on a limb for people. But this is exactly what this gospel calls us too- a difficult life lived out on the edge. We don't like the reality of the pain and messiness of this life, we like to stand back and be observers to the lives of others, as well as our own, turn to shambles. But what if we chose to risk frustration? What if we chose instead to submit to the will of the Father, the Spirit, the Body of Christ? What if we chose to live life along side those who need it the most: the lonely, lost, destitute, ignored, marginalized people in this world, our city, and even our neighborhood? Then we might just become ground grain, broken bread, crushed grapes, and poured out wine- The Body of Christ.

Rachael Reill's Call to Commitment Reflection

Call to Commitment reflection

Elizabeth O’Connor’s eloquent writing paints a vivid picture in my mind and heart of what leadership should look like in the Church. I am deeply convicted then, as I ponder her writings and compare them to my own life and leadership among this local reflection of the Body. She speaks of those who win people to Christ and not just organizations as those who are “abandoned to God, contagiously radiant because in their inner lives a conversation goes on with Him who is Lord.” People who invite you into His presence and almost cause you to worship (pg. 85). I am convicted that to embody the Gospel in every way is who the church, and thus those who comprise it, is to be. Am I? Do I? And if this is what the lives of all Christians is to look like, then how much more a leader and Pastor? A leader cannot ask of his/her people that which they are not also requiring of, and already practicing themselves. Christ has demonstrated for us that leadership comes in the giving away of our lives. Lead through demonstration of service.

The qualities of leadership that Pastor Gordon gave were to find the internal issue, to take hostility, to accept others where they are, the ability to sort issues, a willingness to fail, and a deep caring for people (all people). I know that I am in process as well, but I find myself to be an unworthy leader as I match myself up with these criteria. And perhaps, I need to first learn to be willing to fail so that I can be freed to try. This discovery is not easy to admit and O’Connor even mentions Hebrews 12:11 that discipline is painful at the time but it produces righteousness and joy. As I reflect, I recognize a need for further discipline, or “purposeful responses to life and to the grace of God” (pg 34). If I am to be a leader, I must first follow, and spiritual disciplines are tools that aid in matching us up with the cross and producing humility.

Conviction was always paired with great encouragement as I read through Call to Commitment and found us in its pages. We are a young community discovering what it means to be the Church, and to be family. There are many parallels in our stories which, in itself, brings encouragement to know that there are those who have gone before and who understand the process. We can gleam from their failures and successes, their visions and convictions, their love and their life together.

As we trudge through framework development and the creation of structures, I was especially encouraged to read Chapter 15 where they blatantly pointed out that the structures they were building may come tumbling down. Pastor Gordon’s response to concern of this was simply “that which is in God cannot be shaken. If it is not of God, then let us praise Him when it collapses so we can get on to the next thing…”(pg 178). This concept gives me much encouragement knowing that there is a natural death cycle in a church that is alive. If we are alive enough that things are changing and dying, then Praise God that we are actively seeking Him and new ways of loving. This goes for those things in our own lives as well. May we always be in prayer that that which is not of Christ would cease to exist among us so that, after the painful pruning process, there is room for new life to take root and begin to grow with all vitality and purpose.

Jim's Note

Dear Family and Friends:

As I sit in the Starbucks next to Adsideo's neighborhood Living Room in the middle of Sellwood, my mind wanders over this past year and a half and the journey we have traveled. Trying to put my thoughts and feelings together is like trying to dissect that frog from sophomore biology or stuff that porcupine in Wildlife Conservation my senior year... "Precarious, at best." I am learning so much that I am not even sure where to start, but I will give it a shot, so here goes... After experiencing an accident in which I broke my neck a little over a year and half ago, and going through the long process of post-surgical recovery, I began to realize that there was much in this story of Adsideo that needed to continue to be evaluated and processed from another angle. It seemed that we had become consumed with meeting the needs of our neighborhood but had not done enough to invest in the lives of those in this young, eclectic body. As I was convalescing and making attempts to lead, it was realized that we were pretty fragile as a community.

Yes, we had experienced tremendous growth numerically and everything looked good on the outside, but internally things were not so secure. We found ourselves primarily consuming and entering into a new form of attractional ministry. Different than past expressions (we were minus big screens and play-lands for the kids) but nonetheless we were quickly becoming a commuter church while the only thing growing was our weekly gathering. I began to struggle through my frustrations and realized from my vantage point in my recliner and neck brace that change must come.

There's not much to do for about six months after you break your neck, other than think... so I did. At this same time we were blessed by a Church in Southern California who came to our aid with a ministry of encouragement. Our tribe also stepped in as they helped provide for our family. There were other individuals, but the primary relational encouragement came from this little Church in So. Cal. whom we had just met prior to my accident. They began to breathe life into me as I recovered and in reality they were breathing life into us as the church, as we entered into our collective recovery. The magnitude of this encouragement was not realized then, but it began to become absolutely clear as time evolved and their role would prove to be vital in the life of our community. They challenged us to invest internally and look at the scriptures to see what this New Testament Church might look like in the world today.

Growing together, our leadership and apprentices began to catch a fire that we thought would spread throughout our body. However, this marked something quite different, it was the beginning of what we are calling now "the great reduction". People became worried and fearful as we called for deeper levels of commitment. We explored the purpose of the Church and began looking intensely on what Jesus had envisioned for his followers: what did it mean to be a disciple and what does it mean today? Instead of personal growth an emphasis was placed on the collective, and we saw a decline numerically. The reduction had started, as we began to identify more clearly the framework for Adsideo, thus individuals became uneasy with the change.

We are becoming comfortable in the releasing of those who have chosen to leave, and encourage them to live out their conviction, as we live out ours in this story we call Adsideo. I am encouraged as I write today to think of the way the Lord refines His Church... though at times painful, and on occasion hit with well intended friendly-fire that rips and scars you up, it’s then that you realize that God is at work, humbling you and preparing you for His service to His body. He is faithful as others have come and thrown their lives into this beautiful mess. The unity we are experiencing has been such a source of encouragement that we can see His Spirit richly providing the relational and missional support needed to live as representatives in this new humanity He has called us to.

All this to say... Today, as I made my way to Starbucks I walked by Subway where Mike has been working for two weeks. Mike is one of the ten men living in the Bresee House who has been on a difficult journey of his own for many years. He is now 28 and realizing that he cannot do this life alone any longer. He has battled drugs and alcohol for the majority of his life and was raised in a family where drugs and alcohol was the norm. Mike is a graduate of a New Life Recovery program but has experienced a couple of nasty relapses that has caused him to re-evaluate his life.

About four months ago, in the middle of a relapse, I saw Mike going into one of our neighborhood "establishments" and followed him in. He was a bit surprised when I sat down by him at one of the video poker machines and offered to buy him a drink. He said, “don't know how to feel about my pastor offering me a drink." We had a good talk that day and it wasn't long after that Mike decided to throw in the towel and let others speak into his life. He moved into Bresee (our home for men who are reintegrating into community and life) and now Mike, with other men and the support of his Church, is finding a family in this new way of the Kingdom. As I mentioned it’s only been two weeks since he was hired by Subway here in the neighborhood. For me, Mike’s story illustrates the beauty of God’s ability to redeem and reorder, this is but one of many such stories that we have had opportunity to celebrate as we learn the art of living in community.

We are encouraged as we look at the process at work in the life of Mike as he listened to the appeals of his brothers who love him, and asked him to consider finding employment in healthy proximity to the neighborhood, and Mike submitted. You see, this was recognized as a real need for Mike because a long distance commute has contributed to past relapses. This time the body was asking Mike to wait upon the Lord to provide employment here, where there would be a greater opportunity for him to integrate his work into a rhythm of life with others. We believe that God was up to something on that day two weeks ago when Mike was walking home from the Living Room and Subway’s manager ran out and said, "Mike we want to hire you!"

Now, I don't know about you, but this story doesn't happen every day around here to a former drug user and felon. The manager knew Mike a bit as most of us frequent Subway and Mike had put in an application several months prior. We are encouraged to see what God is up to in His redemptive reordering of the lives of this community.

This is a tough time of year for many in our body as the "Holidays" conjure up difficult feelings, the enemy hits hard with guilt, pain, and memory. We are claiming the words that Paul speaks when he reminds the believers in Rome of this truth...

"So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us." ~ The Message

Please pray as we have many needs emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. Pray that God would continue to help find employment for our men as we still have three of them in the house without work. We have taken on a great deal of responsibility and believe that it is His calling for our community. We believe that His resources are enough and that He will raise up partners for this ministry here in Portland. If you would like to invest in this reordering of lives please partner with us as the Lord so leads you. You can keep up to date by visiting our websites.

Needs: Some of you have asked what our primary financial needs are currently... because of such a difficult time this last year with unemployment for some of our men, Adsideo has had to help significantly with monthly rent at the Bresee House (rent and utilities $1700). Other primary expenses are The Neighborhood Living Room (rent and utilities $2700) as well as on-going staff support, much needed prayer for jobs, please pray for our apprentices as they learn, grow and lead.

If you, or those you fellowship with would like to partner financially with Adsideo you can send your support to The Community of Adsideo, P.O. Box 82208, Portland, OR 97282. Please understand that we believe that God is leading us and that we are only his instruments, as he desires to bring Peace to those in need of redemption. You may join us in our quest to reach those living in the margins here in Portland.

Thank you, may his peace be yours.

Pastor Jim

“I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them.” ~ Hosea 11:4

There is so much more going on and it would take pages to inform you. If you would like to get weekly updates or have any questions, please feel free to contact Adsideo at info@communityofadsideo.com.

Pastor Jim Wicks

Lead Pastor / Ambassador

Community of Adsideo

Liesl Stuhr's Hinds Feet Reflection

“Seeking your heart’s desire, eh? And now, Much-Afraid, have a little pride, ask yourself honestly, are you not so ugly and deformed that nobody even in the Valley really loves you?” This is the question that I hear Pride asking me all the time. This is what I struggle with so much. The question of worth, the question of am I perfect enough. So often I feel that I am unworthy of love, too ugly, too overweight, too awkward, to deserve the love from people around me. But, most of all, the love from God. So often I wonder why, why did Christ die for me? How can I be his follower when I am not perfect enough.

I have spent most of my life trying to be what everyone around me wants me to be. I have tried to do what my parents wanted me to do to win their affection, I have tried to earn my sisters love by doing her chores. I never felt worthy of having their love, I always felt that I had to work for it, that they would only love me if I was perfect in all I did. I fell into the same pattern with friends, teachers, roommates and coworkers, always I would try and change myself around each person to be who I thought they wanted me to be.

I believed that when it came to my relationship with God, as in the High Places, nothing unblemished could enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I thought that I had to fix myself on my own, that I had to become perfect to have a good relationship with God. Like Much-Afraid when she encountered Pride, I wanted to turn back because it seemed impossible, the lies he told me sounded so true. Each time I would let Pride grab hold of me, I would sink further down into sorrow and depression. I was too proud to seek help, and felt to weak to confront it alone. Yet as time passes I am learning the need for perfection to get love is a lie. I am being shown time and again that I am loved. I often feel that I fail in all I do, yet each time I hear that lie and succumb to it, I find love showered on me from the people I have come to call family.

I no longer need to make myself perfect to be loved. Yes, perfection is needed in the High Places, but I know that I cannot make that happen myself. I must be changed, yet it is the Shepherd who creates that change. It is the journey to the high places that will work out the ugliness of me, it will straiten out my lame feet and make me beautiful to God. I know it will not be easy, and there is a lot of sorrow and tears involved in breaking down the lies that my life was being built upon. It will take time, but I am learning more each day that with trust in my shepherd, even with trust unto death if he asks it of me, I will reach the High Places. He has given me a new family to walk with, a family to live life with, and he is teaching me through them that I am worthy of love and don’t need to change myself for each person to get love from them. Now I am able to give love as well.

Chanelle Freese's Hinds Feet Reflection

I’ve laid down all I think I can afford, the offering my life desires to express, giving Him all my attention and hopes for happiness. My King has rescued me from this desperate self; He’s arrived to sit and eat a meal with me from my shelf.

Oh friends, I do have many issues, I know they can’t always be overlooked. But please, maybe they are the things for what gives Hope a voice and Love the choice to step inside and fill the void.

Yes, tear stained and worn from the rain, this is real pain. With their disappointed eyes and lies of unfailing love, my heart is in despair, running from all I’ve known, all I’ve called my own. Working from dawn to dusk to satisfy their idea of what life is for me. Not following my own heart and calling, searching for what we call true identity.

The dream of royalty on earth, I was not made for, yet this gracious King has taken me to a place far more powerful than the here and now, my pain and pity. No, together we won’t stay put, for there is much to live into and be in the future of what He calls “We”.

Trevor William's Hinds Feet Reflection

Through all the struggle and determination; strange turns into deserts and forests, much afraid was finally making her way to the High Places. The snow under the feet of both her and her traveling companions crunched as they saw towering crags surrounding them and looked back on precipices already conquered. The fog even rolled back from the side of the mountain, making their travel joyous. It was then, while riding the winds of their hopeful elation, they suddenly came upon a turn in the path. It led not up, to the promised High Places already coming into view, but straight down to the valley of loss.

As I first read this passage, my heart dropped. How can it be that God would ask of me to abandon every good thing that he has already given? Do I still follow the Lord directly away from the Promised Land simply because he asks it? My mind raced through faithful servants that have gone before. Thomas Merton talked about reaching “contemplation” by abandoning desire of “contemplation” itself. The more Mother Teresa dove into the lives of the oppressed, the more she operated out of a sorrow that lived deep inside her, suffering for those she was to serve. Abraham offered up his own son on the alter in fearful obedience to God. Bobbiroshia the motilone leader came to the conclusion that he didn't care if he lived or died, he just wanted to be like Christ. I thought about Jesus himself, all alone and crying out in the garden, “Lord take this cup from me!”

And then there is Trevor Williams. My story is yet to be told. I am still on the beginning of the journey, looking down into that first desert that leads away from the high places, thinking “This is crazy.” But the looming prophecy that I will one day have to abandon all God has given me to be united with God himself goes against all my reasonable sensibilities. Will I be able to join Christ in saying, “Yet not my will but yours be done?” To tell the truth I don't think I have the choice. Like Much Afraid said, “All the time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist.” I have seen too much to turn back, and I no longer can deny that this path, however crooked it may seem, is the only way to the real eternal life. My only choice is to accept it with joy, stumbling forward in faith, as I take my next step on the trail laid before me.

Rachael Reill's Hinds Feet Reflection

Hind’s Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard

Accept…accept with joy?

I can endure the pain inflicted by so many, with Your help.

I can survive the injustices of this world, with Your help.

I can maintain a strong exterior and pretend their words cannot hurt me, with Your help.

I can play their game and not let them get to me, with Your help.

I can rise above to meet their hostility with kindness, with Your help.

You have not asked me to endure, survive, or be strong.

You have not asked me to play their game, or rise above.

You have asked me to accept the painful injustice.

You have asked me to accept the games of words and hostility.

You have asked me to accept…with joy.

I am not deserving of this pain.

I am too weak to bear the fire.

I cannot open myself up to be so treated.

I cannot let down my guard.

You have promised your help and You are faithful.

I choose today, to accept…with joy.