“Seeking your heart’s desire, eh? And now, Much-Afraid, have a little pride, ask yourself honestly, are you not so ugly and deformed that nobody even in the Valley really loves you?” This is the question that I hear Pride asking me all the time. This is what I struggle with so much. The question of worth, the question of am I perfect enough. So often I feel that I am unworthy of love, too ugly, too overweight, too awkward, to deserve the love from people around me. But, most of all, the love from God. So often I wonder why, why did Christ die for me? How can I be his follower when I am not perfect enough.
I have spent most of my life trying to be what everyone around me wants me to be. I have tried to do what my parents wanted me to do to win their affection, I have tried to earn my sisters love by doing her chores. I never felt worthy of having their love, I always felt that I had to work for it, that they would only love me if I was perfect in all I did. I fell into the same pattern with friends, teachers, roommates and coworkers, always I would try and change myself around each person to be who I thought they wanted me to be.
I believed that when it came to my relationship with God, as in the High Places, nothing unblemished could enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I thought that I had to fix myself on my own, that I had to become perfect to have a good relationship with God. Like Much-Afraid when she encountered Pride, I wanted to turn back because it seemed impossible, the lies he told me sounded so true. Each time I would let Pride grab hold of me, I would sink further down into sorrow and depression. I was too proud to seek help, and felt to weak to confront it alone. Yet as time passes I am learning the need for perfection to get love is a lie. I am being shown time and again that I am loved. I often feel that I fail in all I do, yet each time I hear that lie and succumb to it, I find love showered on me from the people I have come to call family.
I no longer need to make myself perfect to be loved. Yes, perfection is needed in the High Places, but I know that I cannot make that happen myself. I must be changed, yet it is the Shepherd who creates that change. It is the journey to the high places that will work out the ugliness of me, it will straiten out my lame feet and make me beautiful to God. I know it will not be easy, and there is a lot of sorrow and tears involved in breaking down the lies that my life was being built upon. It will take time, but I am learning more each day that with trust in my shepherd, even with trust unto death if he asks it of me, I will reach the High Places. He has given me a new family to walk with, a family to live life with, and he is teaching me through them that I am worthy of love and don’t need to change myself for each person to get love from them. Now I am able to give love as well.
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