Hinds Feet for High Places
Chapter 7: On the Shores of Loneliness-- This is me.
"Somehow, incredible as it was, she, Much-Afraid, had been enabled to accept the knowledge and to acquiesce in it, and she knew within herself that with that acceptance a gulf had opened between herself and her past life, even between her past self; a gulf which could never again be closed."
So often in life we feel trapped in our past, trapped in who we were. We don’t see a way out because, well, you can’t change the past, and all of those experiences you had growing up make up the pieces of the person you are becoming. What is simply amazing about our Shepherd is that He has the ability and the desire to wash, empty, and renew us, and if we let Him (that is the key you know); He will fulfill His promise. When I contemplate who I once was, when I look across the ravine at the person I used to be, I feel weightless and elated to know that Christ has taken the burden of my sins, and yet, in my flesh I am sad to know that I will never be able to return to the purely selfish person I once was. This person was fine to be isolated, and to consume with every breath she took. She knew all the right things to say, but didn’t once act on them. She knew how to lie to herself, and that at the end of the day; it was her own self-preservation that was important. But I accepted the knowledge, and now there is this terrifying gulf lingering in the background, with the girl I once was gazing, glassy-eyed, void of all meaning and existence, for the old is gone, and the new has come. I am a new creation in Christ. “I was that woman, but I am not that woman now.”
"Looking over the edge of the cliff, she saw that the cove which had been so empty was now filled to the brim. Great waves, roaring and laughing together, were pouring themselves through the narrow inlet and were leaping against the sides, irresistibly taking possession of every empty niche and crevice."
When I think of the word empty I think of it in two ways, one has a positive spin, because you know that you will be filled soon, the other is a dark feeling. The pain cannot be articulated, but soon your body just resorts to numbness. Void of feeling, your face expressionless, you try to somehow make sense of life, of existence, of what is real and what isn’t. For so long all I could do was weep, and express the longing to no longer be empty. Sure I had asked for it, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted a spiritual high, and then to be “filled”. I wanted to consume. But when I finally surrendered all over to Christ might has well have said, “Alright, this is going to hurt, and after a while you may not feel anything, and that is going to suck even more. But I’m not going anywhere, and I will come when you call. Be sure to lean on your brothers and sisters in Christ, because they were put there to help you carry this emptiness, this numbness. You desire to be new, let me empty you entirely of who you once were, and let me fill you with the most exquisite water ever in existence, My Spirit, My mercy, My love.” And he truly has fulfilled this promise. Now everyday not only am I emptied, but I am filled. I hope that what people see isn’t the empty cove scattered with garbage and debris, but that they see a cove overflowing with living water.
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