Theres not much in life that I’m not willing to do that seems scary, jump out of a plane, go white water rafting, run with the bulls, but to be honest it’s an act. I very much try to act like this tough girl who is capable of taking care of herself and able to do extreme things. Its a defensive act so you wont know the deep within me, that you won’t figure out that I am scared of the dark, ghosts, being weak, vulnerability, pain.
A few chapters into this book, I was scared. Because I found my own story within Much Afraid’s story. In the 2nd chapter of this book I found myself between the pages when the fearing family invaded Much Afraid’s house when the shepherd was walking by and calling for Much Afraid to come but instead she sat there, and let the shepherd walk away because her family was there. “She was too stunned with fear to seize the opportunity, and then it was too late. The next moment she felt Coward’s heavy hand laid tightly over her mouth, then other hands gripped her firmly and held her in the chair. So the shepherd slowly passed the cottage…but receiving no response of any kind.”.
I wanted to stop reading because I was afraid of the things that were to come next in the story, things that I did not want to face inside my own story. Like Much Afraid I am afraid of my family, not so much in physical harm but I am afraid of the pain and hurt deep within my soul that was caused by my family, afraid that I am not pleasing them with my life. I am a coward, afraid to face that pain and ashamed to call out for help. I am afraid of reconciliation with that pain because it means making myself vulnerable, I still find desire within me to please my family and win their approval. I am learning like Much Afraid that their approval is not the one I should be seeking but the approval of the Chief Shepherd, and seeking his will for my life not my own. I am learning to accept with joy the things that have happened in my life because without those challenges I would not be able to learn and grow and be the person I am today but even more be apart of this body of Christ. As Paul states in 2 Timothy God did not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. I am finding that spirit within the body of Christ. It encourages me to keep traveling down this road of sorrow and suffering and face my fears and to call out for help because the joy and love on the other side is worth it. Even when it comes to the point of standing over a valley with the Shepherd, and him asking me to give up everything I had learned or journeyed through climbing up, to lose it all for the shepherd and to go down into the valley, go down as water does. To go down is still worth it, it is the greatest joy of all.
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