Jim's Note

Dear Family and Friends:

As I sit in the Starbucks next to Adsideo's neighborhood Living Room in the middle of Sellwood, my mind wanders over this past year and a half and the journey we have traveled. Trying to put my thoughts and feelings together is like trying to dissect that frog from sophomore biology or stuff that porcupine in Wildlife Conservation my senior year... "Precarious, at best." I am learning so much that I am not even sure where to start, but I will give it a shot, so here goes... After experiencing an accident in which I broke my neck a little over a year and half ago, and going through the long process of post-surgical recovery, I began to realize that there was much in this story of Adsideo that needed to continue to be evaluated and processed from another angle. It seemed that we had become consumed with meeting the needs of our neighborhood but had not done enough to invest in the lives of those in this young, eclectic body. As I was convalescing and making attempts to lead, it was realized that we were pretty fragile as a community.

Yes, we had experienced tremendous growth numerically and everything looked good on the outside, but internally things were not so secure. We found ourselves primarily consuming and entering into a new form of attractional ministry. Different than past expressions (we were minus big screens and play-lands for the kids) but nonetheless we were quickly becoming a commuter church while the only thing growing was our weekly gathering. I began to struggle through my frustrations and realized from my vantage point in my recliner and neck brace that change must come.

There's not much to do for about six months after you break your neck, other than think... so I did. At this same time we were blessed by a Church in Southern California who came to our aid with a ministry of encouragement. Our tribe also stepped in as they helped provide for our family. There were other individuals, but the primary relational encouragement came from this little Church in So. Cal. whom we had just met prior to my accident. They began to breathe life into me as I recovered and in reality they were breathing life into us as the church, as we entered into our collective recovery. The magnitude of this encouragement was not realized then, but it began to become absolutely clear as time evolved and their role would prove to be vital in the life of our community. They challenged us to invest internally and look at the scriptures to see what this New Testament Church might look like in the world today.

Growing together, our leadership and apprentices began to catch a fire that we thought would spread throughout our body. However, this marked something quite different, it was the beginning of what we are calling now "the great reduction". People became worried and fearful as we called for deeper levels of commitment. We explored the purpose of the Church and began looking intensely on what Jesus had envisioned for his followers: what did it mean to be a disciple and what does it mean today? Instead of personal growth an emphasis was placed on the collective, and we saw a decline numerically. The reduction had started, as we began to identify more clearly the framework for Adsideo, thus individuals became uneasy with the change.

We are becoming comfortable in the releasing of those who have chosen to leave, and encourage them to live out their conviction, as we live out ours in this story we call Adsideo. I am encouraged as I write today to think of the way the Lord refines His Church... though at times painful, and on occasion hit with well intended friendly-fire that rips and scars you up, it’s then that you realize that God is at work, humbling you and preparing you for His service to His body. He is faithful as others have come and thrown their lives into this beautiful mess. The unity we are experiencing has been such a source of encouragement that we can see His Spirit richly providing the relational and missional support needed to live as representatives in this new humanity He has called us to.

All this to say... Today, as I made my way to Starbucks I walked by Subway where Mike has been working for two weeks. Mike is one of the ten men living in the Bresee House who has been on a difficult journey of his own for many years. He is now 28 and realizing that he cannot do this life alone any longer. He has battled drugs and alcohol for the majority of his life and was raised in a family where drugs and alcohol was the norm. Mike is a graduate of a New Life Recovery program but has experienced a couple of nasty relapses that has caused him to re-evaluate his life.

About four months ago, in the middle of a relapse, I saw Mike going into one of our neighborhood "establishments" and followed him in. He was a bit surprised when I sat down by him at one of the video poker machines and offered to buy him a drink. He said, “don't know how to feel about my pastor offering me a drink." We had a good talk that day and it wasn't long after that Mike decided to throw in the towel and let others speak into his life. He moved into Bresee (our home for men who are reintegrating into community and life) and now Mike, with other men and the support of his Church, is finding a family in this new way of the Kingdom. As I mentioned it’s only been two weeks since he was hired by Subway here in the neighborhood. For me, Mike’s story illustrates the beauty of God’s ability to redeem and reorder, this is but one of many such stories that we have had opportunity to celebrate as we learn the art of living in community.

We are encouraged as we look at the process at work in the life of Mike as he listened to the appeals of his brothers who love him, and asked him to consider finding employment in healthy proximity to the neighborhood, and Mike submitted. You see, this was recognized as a real need for Mike because a long distance commute has contributed to past relapses. This time the body was asking Mike to wait upon the Lord to provide employment here, where there would be a greater opportunity for him to integrate his work into a rhythm of life with others. We believe that God was up to something on that day two weeks ago when Mike was walking home from the Living Room and Subway’s manager ran out and said, "Mike we want to hire you!"

Now, I don't know about you, but this story doesn't happen every day around here to a former drug user and felon. The manager knew Mike a bit as most of us frequent Subway and Mike had put in an application several months prior. We are encouraged to see what God is up to in His redemptive reordering of the lives of this community.

This is a tough time of year for many in our body as the "Holidays" conjure up difficult feelings, the enemy hits hard with guilt, pain, and memory. We are claiming the words that Paul speaks when he reminds the believers in Rome of this truth...

"So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us." ~ The Message

Please pray as we have many needs emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. Pray that God would continue to help find employment for our men as we still have three of them in the house without work. We have taken on a great deal of responsibility and believe that it is His calling for our community. We believe that His resources are enough and that He will raise up partners for this ministry here in Portland. If you would like to invest in this reordering of lives please partner with us as the Lord so leads you. You can keep up to date by visiting our websites.

Needs: Some of you have asked what our primary financial needs are currently... because of such a difficult time this last year with unemployment for some of our men, Adsideo has had to help significantly with monthly rent at the Bresee House (rent and utilities $1700). Other primary expenses are The Neighborhood Living Room (rent and utilities $2700) as well as on-going staff support, much needed prayer for jobs, please pray for our apprentices as they learn, grow and lead.

If you, or those you fellowship with would like to partner financially with Adsideo you can send your support to The Community of Adsideo, P.O. Box 82208, Portland, OR 97282. Please understand that we believe that God is leading us and that we are only his instruments, as he desires to bring Peace to those in need of redemption. You may join us in our quest to reach those living in the margins here in Portland.

Thank you, may his peace be yours.

Pastor Jim

“I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them.” ~ Hosea 11:4

There is so much more going on and it would take pages to inform you. If you would like to get weekly updates or have any questions, please feel free to contact Adsideo at info@communityofadsideo.com.

Pastor Jim Wicks

Lead Pastor / Ambassador

Community of Adsideo

Liesl Stuhr's Hinds Feet Reflection

“Seeking your heart’s desire, eh? And now, Much-Afraid, have a little pride, ask yourself honestly, are you not so ugly and deformed that nobody even in the Valley really loves you?” This is the question that I hear Pride asking me all the time. This is what I struggle with so much. The question of worth, the question of am I perfect enough. So often I feel that I am unworthy of love, too ugly, too overweight, too awkward, to deserve the love from people around me. But, most of all, the love from God. So often I wonder why, why did Christ die for me? How can I be his follower when I am not perfect enough.

I have spent most of my life trying to be what everyone around me wants me to be. I have tried to do what my parents wanted me to do to win their affection, I have tried to earn my sisters love by doing her chores. I never felt worthy of having their love, I always felt that I had to work for it, that they would only love me if I was perfect in all I did. I fell into the same pattern with friends, teachers, roommates and coworkers, always I would try and change myself around each person to be who I thought they wanted me to be.

I believed that when it came to my relationship with God, as in the High Places, nothing unblemished could enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I thought that I had to fix myself on my own, that I had to become perfect to have a good relationship with God. Like Much-Afraid when she encountered Pride, I wanted to turn back because it seemed impossible, the lies he told me sounded so true. Each time I would let Pride grab hold of me, I would sink further down into sorrow and depression. I was too proud to seek help, and felt to weak to confront it alone. Yet as time passes I am learning the need for perfection to get love is a lie. I am being shown time and again that I am loved. I often feel that I fail in all I do, yet each time I hear that lie and succumb to it, I find love showered on me from the people I have come to call family.

I no longer need to make myself perfect to be loved. Yes, perfection is needed in the High Places, but I know that I cannot make that happen myself. I must be changed, yet it is the Shepherd who creates that change. It is the journey to the high places that will work out the ugliness of me, it will straiten out my lame feet and make me beautiful to God. I know it will not be easy, and there is a lot of sorrow and tears involved in breaking down the lies that my life was being built upon. It will take time, but I am learning more each day that with trust in my shepherd, even with trust unto death if he asks it of me, I will reach the High Places. He has given me a new family to walk with, a family to live life with, and he is teaching me through them that I am worthy of love and don’t need to change myself for each person to get love from them. Now I am able to give love as well.

Chanelle Freese's Hinds Feet Reflection

I’ve laid down all I think I can afford, the offering my life desires to express, giving Him all my attention and hopes for happiness. My King has rescued me from this desperate self; He’s arrived to sit and eat a meal with me from my shelf.

Oh friends, I do have many issues, I know they can’t always be overlooked. But please, maybe they are the things for what gives Hope a voice and Love the choice to step inside and fill the void.

Yes, tear stained and worn from the rain, this is real pain. With their disappointed eyes and lies of unfailing love, my heart is in despair, running from all I’ve known, all I’ve called my own. Working from dawn to dusk to satisfy their idea of what life is for me. Not following my own heart and calling, searching for what we call true identity.

The dream of royalty on earth, I was not made for, yet this gracious King has taken me to a place far more powerful than the here and now, my pain and pity. No, together we won’t stay put, for there is much to live into and be in the future of what He calls “We”.

Trevor William's Hinds Feet Reflection

Through all the struggle and determination; strange turns into deserts and forests, much afraid was finally making her way to the High Places. The snow under the feet of both her and her traveling companions crunched as they saw towering crags surrounding them and looked back on precipices already conquered. The fog even rolled back from the side of the mountain, making their travel joyous. It was then, while riding the winds of their hopeful elation, they suddenly came upon a turn in the path. It led not up, to the promised High Places already coming into view, but straight down to the valley of loss.

As I first read this passage, my heart dropped. How can it be that God would ask of me to abandon every good thing that he has already given? Do I still follow the Lord directly away from the Promised Land simply because he asks it? My mind raced through faithful servants that have gone before. Thomas Merton talked about reaching “contemplation” by abandoning desire of “contemplation” itself. The more Mother Teresa dove into the lives of the oppressed, the more she operated out of a sorrow that lived deep inside her, suffering for those she was to serve. Abraham offered up his own son on the alter in fearful obedience to God. Bobbiroshia the motilone leader came to the conclusion that he didn't care if he lived or died, he just wanted to be like Christ. I thought about Jesus himself, all alone and crying out in the garden, “Lord take this cup from me!”

And then there is Trevor Williams. My story is yet to be told. I am still on the beginning of the journey, looking down into that first desert that leads away from the high places, thinking “This is crazy.” But the looming prophecy that I will one day have to abandon all God has given me to be united with God himself goes against all my reasonable sensibilities. Will I be able to join Christ in saying, “Yet not my will but yours be done?” To tell the truth I don't think I have the choice. Like Much Afraid said, “All the time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist.” I have seen too much to turn back, and I no longer can deny that this path, however crooked it may seem, is the only way to the real eternal life. My only choice is to accept it with joy, stumbling forward in faith, as I take my next step on the trail laid before me.

Rachael Reill's Hinds Feet Reflection

Hind’s Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard

Accept…accept with joy?

I can endure the pain inflicted by so many, with Your help.

I can survive the injustices of this world, with Your help.

I can maintain a strong exterior and pretend their words cannot hurt me, with Your help.

I can play their game and not let them get to me, with Your help.

I can rise above to meet their hostility with kindness, with Your help.

You have not asked me to endure, survive, or be strong.

You have not asked me to play their game, or rise above.

You have asked me to accept the painful injustice.

You have asked me to accept the games of words and hostility.

You have asked me to accept…with joy.

I am not deserving of this pain.

I am too weak to bear the fire.

I cannot open myself up to be so treated.

I cannot let down my guard.

You have promised your help and You are faithful.

I choose today, to accept…with joy.

Joanna Miller's Hinds Feet Reflection

Hinds Feet for High Places

Chapter 7: On the Shores of Loneliness-- This is me.

"Somehow, incredible as it was, she, Much-Afraid, had been enabled to accept the knowledge and to acquiesce in it, and she knew within herself that with that acceptance a gulf had opened between herself and her past life, even between her past self; a gulf which could never again be closed."

So often in life we feel trapped in our past, trapped in who we were. We don’t see a way out because, well, you can’t change the past, and all of those experiences you had growing up make up the pieces of the person you are becoming. What is simply amazing about our Shepherd is that He has the ability and the desire to wash, empty, and renew us, and if we let Him (that is the key you know); He will fulfill His promise. When I contemplate who I once was, when I look across the ravine at the person I used to be, I feel weightless and elated to know that Christ has taken the burden of my sins, and yet, in my flesh I am sad to know that I will never be able to return to the purely selfish person I once was. This person was fine to be isolated, and to consume with every breath she took. She knew all the right things to say, but didn’t once act on them. She knew how to lie to herself, and that at the end of the day; it was her own self-preservation that was important. But I accepted the knowledge, and now there is this terrifying gulf lingering in the background, with the girl I once was gazing, glassy-eyed, void of all meaning and existence, for the old is gone, and the new has come. I am a new creation in Christ. “I was that woman, but I am not that woman now.”

"Looking over the edge of the cliff, she saw that the cove which had been so empty was now filled to the brim. Great waves, roaring and laughing together, were pouring themselves through the narrow inlet and were leaping against the sides, irresistibly taking possession of every empty niche and crevice."

When I think of the word empty I think of it in two ways, one has a positive spin, because you know that you will be filled soon, the other is a dark feeling. The pain cannot be articulated, but soon your body just resorts to numbness. Void of feeling, your face expressionless, you try to somehow make sense of life, of existence, of what is real and what isn’t. For so long all I could do was weep, and express the longing to no longer be empty. Sure I had asked for it, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted a spiritual high, and then to be “filled”. I wanted to consume. But when I finally surrendered all over to Christ might has well have said, “Alright, this is going to hurt, and after a while you may not feel anything, and that is going to suck even more. But I’m not going anywhere, and I will come when you call. Be sure to lean on your brothers and sisters in Christ, because they were put there to help you carry this emptiness, this numbness. You desire to be new, let me empty you entirely of who you once were, and let me fill you with the most exquisite water ever in existence, My Spirit, My mercy, My love.” And he truly has fulfilled this promise. Now everyday not only am I emptied, but I am filled. I hope that what people see isn’t the empty cove scattered with garbage and debris, but that they see a cove overflowing with living water.

Cassie Boddington's Hinds Feet Reflection

Theres not much in life that I’m not willing to do that seems scary, jump out of a plane, go white water rafting, run with the bulls, but to be honest it’s an act. I very much try to act like this tough girl who is capable of taking care of herself and able to do extreme things. Its a defensive act so you wont know the deep within me, that you won’t figure out that I am scared of the dark, ghosts, being weak, vulnerability, pain.

A few chapters into this book, I was scared. Because I found my own story within Much Afraid’s story. In the 2nd chapter of this book I found myself between the pages when the fearing family invaded Much Afraid’s house when the shepherd was walking by and calling for Much Afraid to come but instead she sat there, and let the shepherd walk away because her family was there. “She was too stunned with fear to seize the opportunity, and then it was too late. The next moment she felt Coward’s heavy hand laid tightly over her mouth, then other hands gripped her firmly and held her in the chair. So the shepherd slowly passed the cottage…but receiving no response of any kind.”.

I wanted to stop reading because I was afraid of the things that were to come next in the story, things that I did not want to face inside my own story. Like Much Afraid I am afraid of my family, not so much in physical harm but I am afraid of the pain and hurt deep within my soul that was caused by my family, afraid that I am not pleasing them with my life. I am a coward, afraid to face that pain and ashamed to call out for help. I am afraid of reconciliation with that pain because it means making myself vulnerable, I still find desire within me to please my family and win their approval. I am learning like Much Afraid that their approval is not the one I should be seeking but the approval of the Chief Shepherd, and seeking his will for my life not my own. I am learning to accept with joy the things that have happened in my life because without those challenges I would not be able to learn and grow and be the person I am today but even more be apart of this body of Christ. As Paul states in 2 Timothy God did not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. I am finding that spirit within the body of Christ. It encourages me to keep traveling down this road of sorrow and suffering and face my fears and to call out for help because the joy and love on the other side is worth it. Even when it comes to the point of standing over a valley with the Shepherd, and him asking me to give up everything I had learned or journeyed through climbing up, to lose it all for the shepherd and to go down into the valley, go down as water does. To go down is still worth it, it is the greatest joy of all.

Travis Reill's Hinds Feet Reflection

In the summer of 2000 I had the hell scared out of me at Camp Kellogg; that is, it was then that I realized that I would go to hell because I was a sinner. Thus, the majority of my spiritual life growing up was devoted to trying to stay out of hell. I lived in between heaven and hell, knowing that if I was just good enough, did the right things, and, maybe most importantly, did not do the wrong things, that I would get the promise of heaven, this “end goal.” This was then reinforced, with good intentions, by Sunday School, youth group, moms, dads, grandmas and grandpas, sermons on Sundays, and probably a bit by the limited brain capacity of a sixth grader.

Of course I have grown since my middle school years at Camp Kellogg, and feel that I have more of an understanding of the Way of Jesus. My story has become one that is no longer about the “end goal,” trying to get into heaven and stay out of hell. It has become one that I hope says: By the grace of God through his son Jesus I’m given opportunity to travel this journey. The Jesus Way has become about just that—the way of Christ. It has become a trail of life that I travel with my brothers and sisters. We are given promises on this journey. Perhaps heaven is one of them. Suffering is a promise as well. But the most beautiful promise I find is that I don’t have to travel this trail alone. Just like Much-Afraid I am given traveling companions, partners in life. And, as Much-Afraid found out many times, the Shepard is just a cry away. He has promised not to leave us on this journey. I give thanks for these promises, however I must be careful to live for the one who makes and keeps the promises, not the promises themselves. Which will I love?

Much-Afraid is going through a similar journey when this idea comes to the forefront of the story. She has traveled an incredible journey, seen the Shepard work and change her from the inside out. She has seen the promises he made kept, and she continues to journey toward the High Places. Yet there is a turning point where the Shepard questions Much-Afraid, a question that stirs in me feelings that I don’t quite understand nor to I want to come to grips with. Before entering into the Valley of Loss the Shepard asked Much-Afraid if she would still follow him if all that he told her—all the promises he made, a new name, High Places, hinds feet—if all of it were a lie. Which did she love, which did she trust in, which did she follow? Her response was beautiful, a criticism and conviction to my being: “Nothing else really matters,” she said to herself, “only to love him and to do what he tells me. I don’t know quite why it should be so, but it is. All time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist.” (152) What a love, what a relationship! I am reminded of Paul telling the Philippians that he considered all things a loss when compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ, Much-Afraid’s Shepard.

Yes, I have moved pass this idea of working towards an “end goal.” Working towards heaven is no longer what consumes me in my Christian walk. Yet have I just traded one for the other? Promise for promise? Can I look into my life, seeing all that there is and truly say, like Much-Afraid, that it is lovely to love him in spite of everything, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist?

Travis Reill's Water Song Reflection

Water Song-

The call of the water in the ‘Water Song’ is to go down. Down to the low places from the very high places. Not only is the water on a journey downward but it is “happy to go low.” I question what joy can be found in the low places and I most certainly question what joy can be found in such a self-giving spirit. Yet the water found a spirit of contempt and joy in such a situation. I also thought it was interesting how quickly this self-giving attitude was introduced into the story. Yet as I look at scripture I find a common theme of self-sacrifice due to the spirit of God.

Matthew 16, near the end of the chapter, reminds us to take up our cross and follow Christ, for “whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” Christ is calling us to find our life in him, being reading and waiting to due his will. We find this passage in the same scene where Peter is trying to tell Christ he’d never let anything happen to him. Jesus responds to Peter calling him “Satan;” harsh words no matter who you are. Peter was attempting to be in the way of Christ doing the will of his Father-giving of himself. Peter wanted to stay in the “high places” with Christ but was strongly rebuked, as Christ knew that the will of his Father was to pour out his spirit. (I also find it interesting that this passage comes right after Peter’s confession of Christ, but that is a different discussion.)

Philippians 2, need I say more?! Imitating Christ humility. Paul reminds us that the Holy One sent from God made himself into nothing, taking on the nature of a servant. Christ died a sinner’s death, humble and low. Then Paul, after talking of Christ’s humility, tells them to continue in the salvation in the same way:

“…in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.”

This ‘shinning’ Paul talks about is done in this “crooked and depraved generation.” Later Paul goes on to tell the Philippians that “even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.” Paul is one to take the example of Christ, find his way to the low places, serve with joy, and advance the gospel, even, at times, while in chains.