Travis Reill's Call to Commitment Reflection

Dwindling numbers can always be a discouragement. From time to time I can tend to look for the faces that are not there, rather than seeing the ones that are—the ones that through hardship, misunderstanding, and whatever else are choosing to come together. Focusing on the head count can always be a dangerous thing, I’ve known that from the beginning. But in the past I have found that it is easier to not focus on counting heads when there are many, many heads in the room. Now, it is more of a challenge. Fleshly, I do desire the big numbers. Perhaps it is my Christian-American socialization. Maybe large numbers take the tension out of “church” conversations, the ones where you know the question the other has asked is about numbers, how many new people you got—give me a total, the head count. Or could it be that it now makes it much harder for me to just slip into the crowd, to be another face? I don’t seek vulnerability and bigger numbers mean more people to take my place in the vulnerability department. All are probably true, but I do believe that one of the hardest processes is breaking through that false perception that says a healthy church must be a numerically large church; the perception that raises question to the body of believers that ask a grand call of commitment to its people, which may have many turning away saying, “no, this is too much, it isn’t for us.” The Church of the Savior was cautious of becoming numerically large. They began to become concerned that what they were attempting to accomplish was becoming diluted when they grew to 25 or 30. This seems to be the opposite of my understanding, something that I can find both encouragement and challenge in. I am encouraged that we don’t have to stress over growing to “mega-whatever,” that we find an incredible amount of health in the church that is vested in its body, its neighborhood, its ministries, its life together. Despite vulnerability being difficult it is needed, and those choosing to be there are choosing vulnerability and deeper relationship—they are choosing each other, the body of Christ. This is not some ideal or fantasy, it isn’t just what I have read in Call to Commitment and thought, “uh, good for them.” No, I have seen this in my own life; it has happened to me. I have grown deeper that ever before in my relationship with God due to the coming together of the church I am choosing to commit to. I have had to be vulnerable, which I hate, and I have grown. I have had to be apart of difficult conversations, which I hate, and I have grown. What I have been reading is real—look no further than my life. And God is faithful, always faithful. It has been interesting to see who is coming in to check us out now, both new and old faces. I never wanted to be a part of a mega-something, yet a confession of my heart would show that I had wanted higher numbers. I give thanks, however, that Christ replaces man’s heart with his.

Trevor Williams Call to Commitment Reflection

I had false expectations of the book “Call to Commitment.” Given the title, I thought it would be a manifesto similar to “When the Church was a Family” that would break down the reasons and history for committing one to another in the Church. This in reality, was my itching ears beggingto hear a song they already knew so that I could justify and confirm my own rightness.

The book did contain some passages that affirmed the ideas we learned about in the previous book. Right in the first few chapters, Elisabeth O'Connor dives deep into the church's need for commitment beginning with the brochure for their new congregation, “This is a dangerous book about a demanding way of life and a vigorous institution that would propagate it...” Much is said about the cost of discipleship and the mission of the church, and all of these things confirmed what I believed to be true.

It seems, however, that I am much more keen on a law than a Living Word, because as the rest of the book unfolded and the story of the Church of the Savior was made known, I found myself in a battle, at times utterly frustrated and dismayed. As we at Adsideo find ourselves on the brink of a new chapter of our lives, it seems that we are teeter totting on the edge of a very precarious mountain trail. I hoped to find in the Church of the Savior something solid, tested, and true; a paved tunnel leading to the other side of the stormy peaks. What I found was a people that, yes, found true the necessities of discipleship and commitment, but were like a band of rag-tag militia, running with reckless abandon towards a war against the empire. As O'Connor says herself, “It takes courage to walk into the unknown, a willingness to take upon ourselves the burden of anxiety.” I saw a people that took upon that burden freely and joyfully. Meanwhile, I sat trembling in the corner.

In the very last chapter of the book, my concerns were addressed. Elisabeth admits, “Sometimes...It seems that we move too fast and that there are too few of us, and that we are in too many places, and that we are too inadequate for the tasks which we have taken up.”

“Yes! It certainly does seem that way!” I piped in with my ragged white flag waving high. My thoughts were then nearly perfectly translated in the question someone asked the pastor Gordon Smith, “Can't you see the weakness everywhere and the possibility that all these little structures we are building are going to come tumbling down?”

The Spirit's response through Gordon cut me straight to the heart, sending me to my closet to retrieve my sackcloth and ashes, “That which is in God cannot be shaken. If it is not of God, then let us praise Him when it collapses so that we can get on with the next thing, because surely we don't want to give our lives to building what is not His will.” And what about the people within those structures? “That in them which is of Christ cannot be shaken. And that which is not, they will want to let go. The structures are not important. It is what happens to us and everyone who will be involved in them which is important.”

I have been an anxious dude. My worry stems from the possibility that our little congregation will somehow mess up, and more importantly that those mistakes will have a negative impact on my life. So I have taken on the burden of making sure that everything goes according to plan. Because of this, my attitude is often bitter and harsh as I see my false expectations crumbling before me. What God has used the Church of the Savior to remind me is that this is HIS story. I am to be but a small lump of clay in the grand sculpture of the God-With-Us story. That means I need to be thrown around, drown in water, and fired in the furnace in order to be of any use to the Master Potter. Who am I to accuse my God of not working how I would want him to? So I join faithful followers everywhere in humbling myself before my God and casting my anxiety upon him, patiently waiting with the confident expectation that he will lift us all up in due time.

Teddy Dickerson's Call to Commitment Reflection

The Jade

“You cannot surrender to God a self you do not know. This was surely also in the design of community, that we might find ourselves in the mirror of that community. It was as we shared the common life that one unredeemed area after another came to light. The joy of involvement was interwoven with the pain of it. Raw edges rubbed against raw edges.” Pg. 93

I don’t experience myself, so the need for community is imperative; people that will honestly and lovingly be editors in my life. Looking into this community the image of Christ is reflected and as I look into the mirror I see the ways I get in the way of being part of the reflection of Christ. The reflection of Christ creates an implicit criticism that in the past has driven me to places of self-pity and sadness. As Elizabeth O’Conner says in the last sentence of this quote, joy is interwoven with pain, I am continually reminded of Nehemiah 8 and what the Levites communicated, “Go and enjoy…” I give thanks for the courage that gets poured into me from these parallel thoughts as they continue to transform my mind and heart to find joy in enlightenment…the bitch.

The Skybox

“It is only as we pray for each person in our group that we gain the pastor’s heart, and are enabled to put something of self aside.” Pg. 129

“We had ceased to be the Christian Church when we were no longer seeking to give our lives away.” Pg. 46

These are a few of the quotes from Call to Commitment that force me to look at who I am living this life for; myself or Christ and those He loves? When I live for myself I have this inflated image of myself that makes it almost impossible to give any part of me away. Also in this selfishness, what hope is there to have a pastor’s heart for those around me? The people and relationships around me exist for me and me alone. Pray? Well, as long as it helps me then I will pray. These quotes challenge my greatly in how they shed light on the areas of my life that I need to die to. This is why I got Philippians 1:21 tattooed on my arm, to have a constant reminder that I desire to continue to step towards Christ and living this life for Him and not myself.

Mary Crow's Call to Commitment Reflection

When you’re a reader as you look back across time, you can spot the moments in your ‘book life’ that changed you. The time you were forced to read some Mark Twain and you realized why everyone thought he was so funny: because he was; an attempt at a critically acclaimed classic like Slaughterhouse Five or A Clockwork Orange…whether you actually got through them or not; the first time you went through Matthew on your own without the flannel-graph; or even reading Romans for your own personal growth with Christ, rather than looking up verses to impress the young man or woman sitting next to you with your spiritual prowess. For me, Call to Commitment was one of those books. Within the first pages, the history of these followers is laid out, and we can run alongside the narrative the pieces of our own story that we know, and be both greatly encouraged that we are not the first to struggle down this road and there is a body of work to speak to who we are trying to be, and secondarily we may be stung by the slap of reality: where we are failing even now and are not even the first to accomplish that.

I, for example, am as guilty as the day is long of treating people like commodities. I was reading the story in the second to last chapter of the Filipino girl who helped at the Christmas party and couldn’t get over how much she was wanted. (pp 177) I think that I don’t fall down in wanting people around, but I do fail miserably at extending Christ’s love, not mine. I can appreciate their skills, their personality, their stories and teachings, but rarely without the ramifications of what they have to offer can do for me and mine. Their skills are an opportunity to lift the weight of practical needs from us; their personality could be an opportunity to increase visibility and legitimacy to “our cause;” their stories are textbook information on what to do or not do with one’s life. These are the ways the small, concrete, self-serving mind of my old self filters new gifts from Christ in the form of people. The book speaks to this even in the beginning chapters: “’Now we ought to get hold of this person because he would be just right to help us with some project.’ This is a dangerous feeling. We never need people simply to help us with a task which we have to do...People must never become means to an end.” (pp24-25) In the same vein of attitude, O’Connor relates a story about a child who discovers she’s missing the point of their whole lives together when she is read the introduction to the working copy of the book: “’Every Sunday morning people want to talk to me, but I’m in so much hurry, I tear by and I’m missing out on all the wonderful fabric you tell about.’…The truth that she had grasped was that it is possible to live in the midst of God’s gifts and never to claim them.” (pp 93)

We do a great disservice to those we’re called to serve, if we see them solely as part of the equation that completes a goal. They are souls with a beauty and uniqueness we will never even scratch the surface of understanding in this life. To take credit for how they fit into the tapestry of our story will only result in a threadbare and poorly woven tapestry.

I confess to feeling this way routinely. I like I am most genuinely in love with people when they are relying on me and “my own” beauty or talent or intelligence is highlighted. I love talking about myself and the sound of my own voice. I wasn’t designed to be this way, and I see the glimmer of a hope outside myself and inside of the Lord when other people talk about me.

In all things of Christ, there is a glimmer of hope for this uncertain world. The shining rays of hope from Call to Commitment that stood out to me can be summarized thus: what we are doing can be and has been carried out in lives that have gone before ours. It’s been true for another group that “The medium of evangelism would be our common life.” (pp112) The philosophy of the Potter’s House is “We will serve you, we will be with you…We are not afraid of you…You can come and ask your questions. You can come and vent your hostilities. We will be with you six nights a week. We will serve you we will love you, we will pray for you and if by chance you ask the reason for the hope that is in us, we will talk to you, but the talking will come at that end of the scale. We will…be where you can find us. We will live a little chunk of our life where you can watch what is going on, see whether we know anything about the mercy of God…You come, and observe, and test us. We will not protect ourselves.” (pp114)

That people found it right to embody this philosophy for their neighbors and have successfully continued in the faith is pure joy to me. I envision our futures very bright. I envision them full of heartbreaking memories as well as ecstatic celebrations, and I am glad to (experientially) know the sisters and brothers alongside whom I will celebrate this life and whatever the Lord leads us into in his country.

Liesl Stuhr's Call to Commitment Reflection

Call To Commitment Paper

When asked to pick one thought, idea or section from this book that really encouraged and struck me I had a hard time deciding what to chose. There was so much about this book that inspired, encouraged and challenged me. However, there was one chapter that I am still reeling from.

Chapter 12 is now literally stained with pink highlighter. There was much in this to encourage and inspire me. Art has always been a passion of mine. I used to paint, sketch and design. I even dreamed of going to art school during my last two years of high school; however, I allowed the fear of challenge and the practical voice of the world to silence this desire and passion.

The Potter’s House Workshop was such an inspiration to me. The vision that Church of the Savior had to start the Workshop, a place where the arts could again bring life to the Church and the Church could bring new meaning to art, was a beautiful one. There have been many times in this book that O'Connor has mentioned the connection between art and the church. It is a lost connection that is important to both sharing our story and connecting with the world around us. The workshop created the perfect bridge for this gap in our world.

She describes the connection and the importance of this as a turning. “It is a twofold turning which is required, for the believer also needs art and the disciplines of art to open his life to the experiencing of God’s spirit which is stamped on all that is. If he can look with the eyes of the artist upon a branch, or a blade of grass, or the wing of an insect, or the flight of a bird, he knows whereof the mystic speaks. He learns the art of contemplation and moves into an I-Thou relationship with his world. Wonder and awe are never again so easily lost to him. And so with the artist. If he can touch the life of the people of faith he can know himself as a person, a child of God with a face and a destiny. He will then be able to identify the movements of the spirit in his own life, and to know that his deepest craving is for God, the Creator, whose action is in and through and above all.” pg. 149

This is such a beautiful statement. It creates a need for us to look upon this world with different eyes, the eyes of an artist that sees so much more detail. It was a good reminder for me too, many times I just see the whole, the big parts and miss the little details of life that give our journey meaning. I get caught up in the big events, making sure that I do my part and get it done right. This often causes me to be so focused on the work, that I neglect to see the need for relationship, the chance to just be with someone in conversation and give it my full focus. This passage was a good call back to me and an encouragement to know that the little details can be the most important ones in sharing the whole painting of our lives.

Along with all the encouragement in this book, I found much implicit criticism. One that struck hard, that really opened my eyes and forced me to admit one of my faults, was found in the chapter on the Potter’s House. O'Connor was describing the start up process for this coffee house and all the details that go into it. They decided to do some trial runs with their own congregation and found that though most were quick to catch the dream some were not. “The whole project was especially discouraging to the methodical and practical who wanted to plan every step and to have all the business and staffing details worked out before we made a firm commitment at any point. If we had waited on this kind of planning, this particular project would never had got off the ground, because the people who held the dream were not temperamentally the sort who could do this groundwork even when they saw value in it.” pg. 115.

As I read this paragraph, I had to stop and say, yes that is me and I have let that be a frustration for me in so many ways. Especially when it comes to the areas of ministry I am involved in. I have always been one who needed all her ducks in a row before I made a decision or made a move. I have to make sure it will work out right, perfectly if possible. This always caused stress and frustration in me, and often times it would and does flow into the lives of others. This is an area of my life that I have been cautioned on by others but I didn’t ever really get it until I read it and was able to write in the margins, ‘that is me.’

This has now become an area in my life that I am trying to change. Change here is slow and in small steps since it is so ingrained in me that I don’t always immediately notice the signs. I am learning to rely and trust the words of those in my life who can read me well and speak out of love. I am learning the process of letting go and trusting in God to work out the details as they need to be worked out. Week by week it gets easier to let things go in to God’s hands. It gets easier to put aside the need to have all the answers, the need to know all the restrictions and work within them. I am also learning the need for commitment, commitment to others, commitment to this body, to this place, commitment to God and a commitment to change. “Commitment which makes us willing to live in the tensions of unresolved relationships. However long it takes, however much it costs, we are committed to bridging any gulf which divides us from another” pg. 181. Within this struggle, and many areas of my life I am learning to live out this style of commitment. I pray that God strengthens me with in this and gives me the heart of a servant to follow Him and live to serve His family out of love.

Joanna Miller's Call to Commitment Reflection

Beautiful Ruggedness

Ch. 7- Growth in love, pg. 93

“Love can go in little ways, but also our withholding of ourselves is often beyond our knowing. You cannot surrender to God a self you do not know. This was surely also in the design of community: that we might find ourselves in the mirror of that community. It was as we shared the common life that one unredeemed area after another came to light. The joy of involvement was interwoven with the pain of it. Raw edges rubbed against raw edges.

We know about love in this fellowship because here we find it embodied in a way that we have not experienced in other places. Here, when there is a need, there is always a person to symbolize the God who is ever present”

It is so incredibly beautiful to read about a community in which this is a reality as well. We find here that looking into this community is much like looking into a mirror simply because we do not know what it is like to experience ourselves. It is as though once we have thrown into community, we are able to release ourselves that much more completely to the Father, because we know that we are not in this alone. We know that even when life gets hard we will have people surrounding us to remind us who we are, as individuals, and as members of this body. Vulnerability and the reality of life on life here makes life sticky, messy, and raw. Most of the time it is not given the chance to fully scab over before something else comes along to push us past the comfort of a superficial, surface-driven life. It pushes us to swim the waters of risking frustration and climb the mountains of living in tension. But there is an unexplainable joy found in these treacherous, and often times dangerous parts of life. We learn that through coming together, the journey is shared, and its not nearly as terrifying as it seemed before. We have begun to see each other truly as that conduit of Christ in each other's lives through encouragement, appreciation, and the love displayed daily to each other. The unexplainable beauty in this is that it doesn't find it's source in us, but the Spirit of the living God.

Crushed and Refined for His Will

"These Christians are a people who will throw themselves into the breach between the peace and healing of God and the loneliness, anguish, and terror of the world's lost. They stand as a bridge between man and God, willing, even eager, to become ground grain, broken bread, crushed grapes, poured out wine."

When the end goal is supposed to be the Body of Christ (bread and wine) then what good is a bunch of untarnished grapes and grain? But we walk around like this, hoping that we can still do God's will and not become crushed, and refined in the process. But that is what this process should be-- a submission to His will, His crushing and refining of our lives, our souls, and our communities.In so many ways we like this life to be easy, and we don't like going out on a limb for people. But this is exactly what this gospel calls us too- a difficult life lived out on the edge. We don't like the reality of the pain and messiness of this life, we like to stand back and be observers to the lives of others, as well as our own, turn to shambles. But what if we chose to risk frustration? What if we chose instead to submit to the will of the Father, the Spirit, the Body of Christ? What if we chose to live life along side those who need it the most: the lonely, lost, destitute, ignored, marginalized people in this world, our city, and even our neighborhood? Then we might just become ground grain, broken bread, crushed grapes, and poured out wine- The Body of Christ.

Rachael Reill's Call to Commitment Reflection

Call to Commitment reflection

Elizabeth O’Connor’s eloquent writing paints a vivid picture in my mind and heart of what leadership should look like in the Church. I am deeply convicted then, as I ponder her writings and compare them to my own life and leadership among this local reflection of the Body. She speaks of those who win people to Christ and not just organizations as those who are “abandoned to God, contagiously radiant because in their inner lives a conversation goes on with Him who is Lord.” People who invite you into His presence and almost cause you to worship (pg. 85). I am convicted that to embody the Gospel in every way is who the church, and thus those who comprise it, is to be. Am I? Do I? And if this is what the lives of all Christians is to look like, then how much more a leader and Pastor? A leader cannot ask of his/her people that which they are not also requiring of, and already practicing themselves. Christ has demonstrated for us that leadership comes in the giving away of our lives. Lead through demonstration of service.

The qualities of leadership that Pastor Gordon gave were to find the internal issue, to take hostility, to accept others where they are, the ability to sort issues, a willingness to fail, and a deep caring for people (all people). I know that I am in process as well, but I find myself to be an unworthy leader as I match myself up with these criteria. And perhaps, I need to first learn to be willing to fail so that I can be freed to try. This discovery is not easy to admit and O’Connor even mentions Hebrews 12:11 that discipline is painful at the time but it produces righteousness and joy. As I reflect, I recognize a need for further discipline, or “purposeful responses to life and to the grace of God” (pg 34). If I am to be a leader, I must first follow, and spiritual disciplines are tools that aid in matching us up with the cross and producing humility.

Conviction was always paired with great encouragement as I read through Call to Commitment and found us in its pages. We are a young community discovering what it means to be the Church, and to be family. There are many parallels in our stories which, in itself, brings encouragement to know that there are those who have gone before and who understand the process. We can gleam from their failures and successes, their visions and convictions, their love and their life together.

As we trudge through framework development and the creation of structures, I was especially encouraged to read Chapter 15 where they blatantly pointed out that the structures they were building may come tumbling down. Pastor Gordon’s response to concern of this was simply “that which is in God cannot be shaken. If it is not of God, then let us praise Him when it collapses so we can get on to the next thing…”(pg 178). This concept gives me much encouragement knowing that there is a natural death cycle in a church that is alive. If we are alive enough that things are changing and dying, then Praise God that we are actively seeking Him and new ways of loving. This goes for those things in our own lives as well. May we always be in prayer that that which is not of Christ would cease to exist among us so that, after the painful pruning process, there is room for new life to take root and begin to grow with all vitality and purpose.

Jim's Note

Dear Family and Friends:

As I sit in the Starbucks next to Adsideo's neighborhood Living Room in the middle of Sellwood, my mind wanders over this past year and a half and the journey we have traveled. Trying to put my thoughts and feelings together is like trying to dissect that frog from sophomore biology or stuff that porcupine in Wildlife Conservation my senior year... "Precarious, at best." I am learning so much that I am not even sure where to start, but I will give it a shot, so here goes... After experiencing an accident in which I broke my neck a little over a year and half ago, and going through the long process of post-surgical recovery, I began to realize that there was much in this story of Adsideo that needed to continue to be evaluated and processed from another angle. It seemed that we had become consumed with meeting the needs of our neighborhood but had not done enough to invest in the lives of those in this young, eclectic body. As I was convalescing and making attempts to lead, it was realized that we were pretty fragile as a community.

Yes, we had experienced tremendous growth numerically and everything looked good on the outside, but internally things were not so secure. We found ourselves primarily consuming and entering into a new form of attractional ministry. Different than past expressions (we were minus big screens and play-lands for the kids) but nonetheless we were quickly becoming a commuter church while the only thing growing was our weekly gathering. I began to struggle through my frustrations and realized from my vantage point in my recliner and neck brace that change must come.

There's not much to do for about six months after you break your neck, other than think... so I did. At this same time we were blessed by a Church in Southern California who came to our aid with a ministry of encouragement. Our tribe also stepped in as they helped provide for our family. There were other individuals, but the primary relational encouragement came from this little Church in So. Cal. whom we had just met prior to my accident. They began to breathe life into me as I recovered and in reality they were breathing life into us as the church, as we entered into our collective recovery. The magnitude of this encouragement was not realized then, but it began to become absolutely clear as time evolved and their role would prove to be vital in the life of our community. They challenged us to invest internally and look at the scriptures to see what this New Testament Church might look like in the world today.

Growing together, our leadership and apprentices began to catch a fire that we thought would spread throughout our body. However, this marked something quite different, it was the beginning of what we are calling now "the great reduction". People became worried and fearful as we called for deeper levels of commitment. We explored the purpose of the Church and began looking intensely on what Jesus had envisioned for his followers: what did it mean to be a disciple and what does it mean today? Instead of personal growth an emphasis was placed on the collective, and we saw a decline numerically. The reduction had started, as we began to identify more clearly the framework for Adsideo, thus individuals became uneasy with the change.

We are becoming comfortable in the releasing of those who have chosen to leave, and encourage them to live out their conviction, as we live out ours in this story we call Adsideo. I am encouraged as I write today to think of the way the Lord refines His Church... though at times painful, and on occasion hit with well intended friendly-fire that rips and scars you up, it’s then that you realize that God is at work, humbling you and preparing you for His service to His body. He is faithful as others have come and thrown their lives into this beautiful mess. The unity we are experiencing has been such a source of encouragement that we can see His Spirit richly providing the relational and missional support needed to live as representatives in this new humanity He has called us to.

All this to say... Today, as I made my way to Starbucks I walked by Subway where Mike has been working for two weeks. Mike is one of the ten men living in the Bresee House who has been on a difficult journey of his own for many years. He is now 28 and realizing that he cannot do this life alone any longer. He has battled drugs and alcohol for the majority of his life and was raised in a family where drugs and alcohol was the norm. Mike is a graduate of a New Life Recovery program but has experienced a couple of nasty relapses that has caused him to re-evaluate his life.

About four months ago, in the middle of a relapse, I saw Mike going into one of our neighborhood "establishments" and followed him in. He was a bit surprised when I sat down by him at one of the video poker machines and offered to buy him a drink. He said, “don't know how to feel about my pastor offering me a drink." We had a good talk that day and it wasn't long after that Mike decided to throw in the towel and let others speak into his life. He moved into Bresee (our home for men who are reintegrating into community and life) and now Mike, with other men and the support of his Church, is finding a family in this new way of the Kingdom. As I mentioned it’s only been two weeks since he was hired by Subway here in the neighborhood. For me, Mike’s story illustrates the beauty of God’s ability to redeem and reorder, this is but one of many such stories that we have had opportunity to celebrate as we learn the art of living in community.

We are encouraged as we look at the process at work in the life of Mike as he listened to the appeals of his brothers who love him, and asked him to consider finding employment in healthy proximity to the neighborhood, and Mike submitted. You see, this was recognized as a real need for Mike because a long distance commute has contributed to past relapses. This time the body was asking Mike to wait upon the Lord to provide employment here, where there would be a greater opportunity for him to integrate his work into a rhythm of life with others. We believe that God was up to something on that day two weeks ago when Mike was walking home from the Living Room and Subway’s manager ran out and said, "Mike we want to hire you!"

Now, I don't know about you, but this story doesn't happen every day around here to a former drug user and felon. The manager knew Mike a bit as most of us frequent Subway and Mike had put in an application several months prior. We are encouraged to see what God is up to in His redemptive reordering of the lives of this community.

This is a tough time of year for many in our body as the "Holidays" conjure up difficult feelings, the enemy hits hard with guilt, pain, and memory. We are claiming the words that Paul speaks when he reminds the believers in Rome of this truth...

"So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us." ~ The Message

Please pray as we have many needs emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. Pray that God would continue to help find employment for our men as we still have three of them in the house without work. We have taken on a great deal of responsibility and believe that it is His calling for our community. We believe that His resources are enough and that He will raise up partners for this ministry here in Portland. If you would like to invest in this reordering of lives please partner with us as the Lord so leads you. You can keep up to date by visiting our websites.

Needs: Some of you have asked what our primary financial needs are currently... because of such a difficult time this last year with unemployment for some of our men, Adsideo has had to help significantly with monthly rent at the Bresee House (rent and utilities $1700). Other primary expenses are The Neighborhood Living Room (rent and utilities $2700) as well as on-going staff support, much needed prayer for jobs, please pray for our apprentices as they learn, grow and lead.

If you, or those you fellowship with would like to partner financially with Adsideo you can send your support to The Community of Adsideo, P.O. Box 82208, Portland, OR 97282. Please understand that we believe that God is leading us and that we are only his instruments, as he desires to bring Peace to those in need of redemption. You may join us in our quest to reach those living in the margins here in Portland.

Thank you, may his peace be yours.

Pastor Jim

“I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them.” ~ Hosea 11:4

There is so much more going on and it would take pages to inform you. If you would like to get weekly updates or have any questions, please feel free to contact Adsideo at info@communityofadsideo.com.

Pastor Jim Wicks

Lead Pastor / Ambassador

Community of Adsideo

Liesl Stuhr's Hinds Feet Reflection

“Seeking your heart’s desire, eh? And now, Much-Afraid, have a little pride, ask yourself honestly, are you not so ugly and deformed that nobody even in the Valley really loves you?” This is the question that I hear Pride asking me all the time. This is what I struggle with so much. The question of worth, the question of am I perfect enough. So often I feel that I am unworthy of love, too ugly, too overweight, too awkward, to deserve the love from people around me. But, most of all, the love from God. So often I wonder why, why did Christ die for me? How can I be his follower when I am not perfect enough.

I have spent most of my life trying to be what everyone around me wants me to be. I have tried to do what my parents wanted me to do to win their affection, I have tried to earn my sisters love by doing her chores. I never felt worthy of having their love, I always felt that I had to work for it, that they would only love me if I was perfect in all I did. I fell into the same pattern with friends, teachers, roommates and coworkers, always I would try and change myself around each person to be who I thought they wanted me to be.

I believed that when it came to my relationship with God, as in the High Places, nothing unblemished could enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I thought that I had to fix myself on my own, that I had to become perfect to have a good relationship with God. Like Much-Afraid when she encountered Pride, I wanted to turn back because it seemed impossible, the lies he told me sounded so true. Each time I would let Pride grab hold of me, I would sink further down into sorrow and depression. I was too proud to seek help, and felt to weak to confront it alone. Yet as time passes I am learning the need for perfection to get love is a lie. I am being shown time and again that I am loved. I often feel that I fail in all I do, yet each time I hear that lie and succumb to it, I find love showered on me from the people I have come to call family.

I no longer need to make myself perfect to be loved. Yes, perfection is needed in the High Places, but I know that I cannot make that happen myself. I must be changed, yet it is the Shepherd who creates that change. It is the journey to the high places that will work out the ugliness of me, it will straiten out my lame feet and make me beautiful to God. I know it will not be easy, and there is a lot of sorrow and tears involved in breaking down the lies that my life was being built upon. It will take time, but I am learning more each day that with trust in my shepherd, even with trust unto death if he asks it of me, I will reach the High Places. He has given me a new family to walk with, a family to live life with, and he is teaching me through them that I am worthy of love and don’t need to change myself for each person to get love from them. Now I am able to give love as well.

Chanelle Freese's Hinds Feet Reflection

I’ve laid down all I think I can afford, the offering my life desires to express, giving Him all my attention and hopes for happiness. My King has rescued me from this desperate self; He’s arrived to sit and eat a meal with me from my shelf.

Oh friends, I do have many issues, I know they can’t always be overlooked. But please, maybe they are the things for what gives Hope a voice and Love the choice to step inside and fill the void.

Yes, tear stained and worn from the rain, this is real pain. With their disappointed eyes and lies of unfailing love, my heart is in despair, running from all I’ve known, all I’ve called my own. Working from dawn to dusk to satisfy their idea of what life is for me. Not following my own heart and calling, searching for what we call true identity.

The dream of royalty on earth, I was not made for, yet this gracious King has taken me to a place far more powerful than the here and now, my pain and pity. No, together we won’t stay put, for there is much to live into and be in the future of what He calls “We”.

Trevor William's Hinds Feet Reflection

Through all the struggle and determination; strange turns into deserts and forests, much afraid was finally making her way to the High Places. The snow under the feet of both her and her traveling companions crunched as they saw towering crags surrounding them and looked back on precipices already conquered. The fog even rolled back from the side of the mountain, making their travel joyous. It was then, while riding the winds of their hopeful elation, they suddenly came upon a turn in the path. It led not up, to the promised High Places already coming into view, but straight down to the valley of loss.

As I first read this passage, my heart dropped. How can it be that God would ask of me to abandon every good thing that he has already given? Do I still follow the Lord directly away from the Promised Land simply because he asks it? My mind raced through faithful servants that have gone before. Thomas Merton talked about reaching “contemplation” by abandoning desire of “contemplation” itself. The more Mother Teresa dove into the lives of the oppressed, the more she operated out of a sorrow that lived deep inside her, suffering for those she was to serve. Abraham offered up his own son on the alter in fearful obedience to God. Bobbiroshia the motilone leader came to the conclusion that he didn't care if he lived or died, he just wanted to be like Christ. I thought about Jesus himself, all alone and crying out in the garden, “Lord take this cup from me!”

And then there is Trevor Williams. My story is yet to be told. I am still on the beginning of the journey, looking down into that first desert that leads away from the high places, thinking “This is crazy.” But the looming prophecy that I will one day have to abandon all God has given me to be united with God himself goes against all my reasonable sensibilities. Will I be able to join Christ in saying, “Yet not my will but yours be done?” To tell the truth I don't think I have the choice. Like Much Afraid said, “All the time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist.” I have seen too much to turn back, and I no longer can deny that this path, however crooked it may seem, is the only way to the real eternal life. My only choice is to accept it with joy, stumbling forward in faith, as I take my next step on the trail laid before me.

Rachael Reill's Hinds Feet Reflection

Hind’s Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard

Accept…accept with joy?

I can endure the pain inflicted by so many, with Your help.

I can survive the injustices of this world, with Your help.

I can maintain a strong exterior and pretend their words cannot hurt me, with Your help.

I can play their game and not let them get to me, with Your help.

I can rise above to meet their hostility with kindness, with Your help.

You have not asked me to endure, survive, or be strong.

You have not asked me to play their game, or rise above.

You have asked me to accept the painful injustice.

You have asked me to accept the games of words and hostility.

You have asked me to accept…with joy.

I am not deserving of this pain.

I am too weak to bear the fire.

I cannot open myself up to be so treated.

I cannot let down my guard.

You have promised your help and You are faithful.

I choose today, to accept…with joy.

Joanna Miller's Hinds Feet Reflection

Hinds Feet for High Places

Chapter 7: On the Shores of Loneliness-- This is me.

"Somehow, incredible as it was, she, Much-Afraid, had been enabled to accept the knowledge and to acquiesce in it, and she knew within herself that with that acceptance a gulf had opened between herself and her past life, even between her past self; a gulf which could never again be closed."

So often in life we feel trapped in our past, trapped in who we were. We don’t see a way out because, well, you can’t change the past, and all of those experiences you had growing up make up the pieces of the person you are becoming. What is simply amazing about our Shepherd is that He has the ability and the desire to wash, empty, and renew us, and if we let Him (that is the key you know); He will fulfill His promise. When I contemplate who I once was, when I look across the ravine at the person I used to be, I feel weightless and elated to know that Christ has taken the burden of my sins, and yet, in my flesh I am sad to know that I will never be able to return to the purely selfish person I once was. This person was fine to be isolated, and to consume with every breath she took. She knew all the right things to say, but didn’t once act on them. She knew how to lie to herself, and that at the end of the day; it was her own self-preservation that was important. But I accepted the knowledge, and now there is this terrifying gulf lingering in the background, with the girl I once was gazing, glassy-eyed, void of all meaning and existence, for the old is gone, and the new has come. I am a new creation in Christ. “I was that woman, but I am not that woman now.”

"Looking over the edge of the cliff, she saw that the cove which had been so empty was now filled to the brim. Great waves, roaring and laughing together, were pouring themselves through the narrow inlet and were leaping against the sides, irresistibly taking possession of every empty niche and crevice."

When I think of the word empty I think of it in two ways, one has a positive spin, because you know that you will be filled soon, the other is a dark feeling. The pain cannot be articulated, but soon your body just resorts to numbness. Void of feeling, your face expressionless, you try to somehow make sense of life, of existence, of what is real and what isn’t. For so long all I could do was weep, and express the longing to no longer be empty. Sure I had asked for it, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted a spiritual high, and then to be “filled”. I wanted to consume. But when I finally surrendered all over to Christ might has well have said, “Alright, this is going to hurt, and after a while you may not feel anything, and that is going to suck even more. But I’m not going anywhere, and I will come when you call. Be sure to lean on your brothers and sisters in Christ, because they were put there to help you carry this emptiness, this numbness. You desire to be new, let me empty you entirely of who you once were, and let me fill you with the most exquisite water ever in existence, My Spirit, My mercy, My love.” And he truly has fulfilled this promise. Now everyday not only am I emptied, but I am filled. I hope that what people see isn’t the empty cove scattered with garbage and debris, but that they see a cove overflowing with living water.

Cassie Boddington's Hinds Feet Reflection

Theres not much in life that I’m not willing to do that seems scary, jump out of a plane, go white water rafting, run with the bulls, but to be honest it’s an act. I very much try to act like this tough girl who is capable of taking care of herself and able to do extreme things. Its a defensive act so you wont know the deep within me, that you won’t figure out that I am scared of the dark, ghosts, being weak, vulnerability, pain.

A few chapters into this book, I was scared. Because I found my own story within Much Afraid’s story. In the 2nd chapter of this book I found myself between the pages when the fearing family invaded Much Afraid’s house when the shepherd was walking by and calling for Much Afraid to come but instead she sat there, and let the shepherd walk away because her family was there. “She was too stunned with fear to seize the opportunity, and then it was too late. The next moment she felt Coward’s heavy hand laid tightly over her mouth, then other hands gripped her firmly and held her in the chair. So the shepherd slowly passed the cottage…but receiving no response of any kind.”.

I wanted to stop reading because I was afraid of the things that were to come next in the story, things that I did not want to face inside my own story. Like Much Afraid I am afraid of my family, not so much in physical harm but I am afraid of the pain and hurt deep within my soul that was caused by my family, afraid that I am not pleasing them with my life. I am a coward, afraid to face that pain and ashamed to call out for help. I am afraid of reconciliation with that pain because it means making myself vulnerable, I still find desire within me to please my family and win their approval. I am learning like Much Afraid that their approval is not the one I should be seeking but the approval of the Chief Shepherd, and seeking his will for my life not my own. I am learning to accept with joy the things that have happened in my life because without those challenges I would not be able to learn and grow and be the person I am today but even more be apart of this body of Christ. As Paul states in 2 Timothy God did not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. I am finding that spirit within the body of Christ. It encourages me to keep traveling down this road of sorrow and suffering and face my fears and to call out for help because the joy and love on the other side is worth it. Even when it comes to the point of standing over a valley with the Shepherd, and him asking me to give up everything I had learned or journeyed through climbing up, to lose it all for the shepherd and to go down into the valley, go down as water does. To go down is still worth it, it is the greatest joy of all.

Travis Reill's Hinds Feet Reflection

In the summer of 2000 I had the hell scared out of me at Camp Kellogg; that is, it was then that I realized that I would go to hell because I was a sinner. Thus, the majority of my spiritual life growing up was devoted to trying to stay out of hell. I lived in between heaven and hell, knowing that if I was just good enough, did the right things, and, maybe most importantly, did not do the wrong things, that I would get the promise of heaven, this “end goal.” This was then reinforced, with good intentions, by Sunday School, youth group, moms, dads, grandmas and grandpas, sermons on Sundays, and probably a bit by the limited brain capacity of a sixth grader.

Of course I have grown since my middle school years at Camp Kellogg, and feel that I have more of an understanding of the Way of Jesus. My story has become one that is no longer about the “end goal,” trying to get into heaven and stay out of hell. It has become one that I hope says: By the grace of God through his son Jesus I’m given opportunity to travel this journey. The Jesus Way has become about just that—the way of Christ. It has become a trail of life that I travel with my brothers and sisters. We are given promises on this journey. Perhaps heaven is one of them. Suffering is a promise as well. But the most beautiful promise I find is that I don’t have to travel this trail alone. Just like Much-Afraid I am given traveling companions, partners in life. And, as Much-Afraid found out many times, the Shepard is just a cry away. He has promised not to leave us on this journey. I give thanks for these promises, however I must be careful to live for the one who makes and keeps the promises, not the promises themselves. Which will I love?

Much-Afraid is going through a similar journey when this idea comes to the forefront of the story. She has traveled an incredible journey, seen the Shepard work and change her from the inside out. She has seen the promises he made kept, and she continues to journey toward the High Places. Yet there is a turning point where the Shepard questions Much-Afraid, a question that stirs in me feelings that I don’t quite understand nor to I want to come to grips with. Before entering into the Valley of Loss the Shepard asked Much-Afraid if she would still follow him if all that he told her—all the promises he made, a new name, High Places, hinds feet—if all of it were a lie. Which did she love, which did she trust in, which did she follow? Her response was beautiful, a criticism and conviction to my being: “Nothing else really matters,” she said to herself, “only to love him and to do what he tells me. I don’t know quite why it should be so, but it is. All time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist.” (152) What a love, what a relationship! I am reminded of Paul telling the Philippians that he considered all things a loss when compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ, Much-Afraid’s Shepard.

Yes, I have moved pass this idea of working towards an “end goal.” Working towards heaven is no longer what consumes me in my Christian walk. Yet have I just traded one for the other? Promise for promise? Can I look into my life, seeing all that there is and truly say, like Much-Afraid, that it is lovely to love him in spite of everything, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist?

Travis Reill's Water Song Reflection

Water Song-

The call of the water in the ‘Water Song’ is to go down. Down to the low places from the very high places. Not only is the water on a journey downward but it is “happy to go low.” I question what joy can be found in the low places and I most certainly question what joy can be found in such a self-giving spirit. Yet the water found a spirit of contempt and joy in such a situation. I also thought it was interesting how quickly this self-giving attitude was introduced into the story. Yet as I look at scripture I find a common theme of self-sacrifice due to the spirit of God.

Matthew 16, near the end of the chapter, reminds us to take up our cross and follow Christ, for “whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” Christ is calling us to find our life in him, being reading and waiting to due his will. We find this passage in the same scene where Peter is trying to tell Christ he’d never let anything happen to him. Jesus responds to Peter calling him “Satan;” harsh words no matter who you are. Peter was attempting to be in the way of Christ doing the will of his Father-giving of himself. Peter wanted to stay in the “high places” with Christ but was strongly rebuked, as Christ knew that the will of his Father was to pour out his spirit. (I also find it interesting that this passage comes right after Peter’s confession of Christ, but that is a different discussion.)

Philippians 2, need I say more?! Imitating Christ humility. Paul reminds us that the Holy One sent from God made himself into nothing, taking on the nature of a servant. Christ died a sinner’s death, humble and low. Then Paul, after talking of Christ’s humility, tells them to continue in the salvation in the same way:

“…in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.”

This ‘shinning’ Paul talks about is done in this “crooked and depraved generation.” Later Paul goes on to tell the Philippians that “even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.” Paul is one to take the example of Christ, find his way to the low places, serve with joy, and advance the gospel, even, at times, while in chains.

Trevor Williams Water Song Reflection

The water song to me represents the call of Christ; the call that is made to every disciple: to come and die. The only way we can join God in his being is to, like the water, go farther and farther down to the depths of who we are, letting God strip away what is false. The only way we can rise to the High Places is to bring ourselves to the lowest, giving Christ alone the place of Lord.

During the celebration of the faithful put on by the Church of the Servant King last week there was one cameo that stood out especially to me, an african slave in the 1700's named Amus Fortune. This brother was pulled into a life he did not choose, and made a slave to injustice, yet in his soul he was no slave to his circumstances; his lord was the one who has already endured all suffering and shame.

For me, one of the biggest stumbling blocks to surrender to God is the ability to choose the way in which my life plays out. I am very much a participant of the mindset portrayed within the 'American Dream' that I can be a 'self made man' and pave my own road. In the stories of Amus and other faithful servants of Christ, I see lives that were subject to not only horrific but also banal circumstance. What is it to go to the depths than to be faithful to the Lord in the undesirable and commonplace turns which life takes?

“Hear the summons night and day, Calling us to come away. From the heights we leap and flow to the valleys down below.” The valley to me is the life that I do not choose. I am called to come away from my fantasy world where I am God to a world where I am faithful to the one who created me no matter what. There are going to be places I don't like, people I don't want to be with, boring times, and failed plans. The song of the water, however, is one of joy. And only the Great Shepherd can teach me it's tongue, because I really don't want the life I choose; my fleshly satisfaction is fleeting. The depths of my soul long to be brought to the lowest of lows, where my King has gone before me. It is only there that I can then “rise again.”

Rachael Reill's Water Song Reflection

The water gives of itself, gives life as it travels farther and farther into the valley and away from the Mountaintops. The raging river loses of its volume as it travels such distances, being reduced to a small stream. Rushing forward to its immanent death, I am struck by the joy that is present in the fulfilling of the purpose for which it was created. Joy is found in the midst of suffering, “Sweetest urge and sweetest pain,” because of the assurance of hope for future glory, “to go low and rise again.”

The Mountaintops are pretty comfortable, but we were not created to live out our lives separate from the world. We have meaning and purpose. We were intended to travel low and give freely of ourselves, our love, as we reach those in need. As western Christians who suffer very little, we tend to think that this journey of the Christian faith is one of self-glorification. It is intended for me to arrive at glory through obtaining perfection and then pitch my tent there for the rest of my days. We are wrong; we were never intended to camp on the mountaintops. We have been called to go into all the nations and share the Good News. We were not saved from this life that is often painful, but for a purpose; that we can share this message of a great Love.

Amanda Paxton's Water Song Reflection

The water is beckoned downward by forces of gravity and momentum much faster than it can even realize. Soaking oneself in the Spirit, jumping off the rock and letting go of the bank's branches sends a man careening down a path that he himself cannot determine but can only discover. He does not moderate the speed, but has rather already released his right to decide it. He can not predict much ahead, but only recognize the patterns of how the riverbed tends to curve and what affect the rocks have on his limbs each time the waterfall renders injury unavoidable.

In my own life, my desire is to be released to that rushing journey, trusting that God will provide the areas of calm water where I can rest and my wounds will be nursed. Continually, though, and without my plan, I know that God's river will always be a step ahead of me. I will not be dragged or pulled, but rather swept away--sometimes with my eyes smashed shut, and sometimes whimpering in fear, but always gripping tightly to His hand as we go down together. The lowest places are both the most and least lonely--but the ironic joy of the low places is that God's promise is that I'll never truly be released into the hands of the true lowest places. Just as jumping off a cliff may feel like a complete release into death, God's promise is that the parachute cord will never fail and my two feet will undoubtedly hit the ground in the end, to a place where death is just a memory and tears are no more. With this promise, I plug my nose and cannonball into the water, resting in the hope that He's sweeping me away towards eternity with Him.

Teddy DIckerson's Water Song Reflection

I have to “leap” into pain you say? I have to be willing to be ridiculed, hurt, vulnerable not only at MY choosing, be seen in all of my imperfection? Embrace pain? I don’t want that, I don’t want pain! I feel like I have been standing on the bank of this river for an eternity. My feet creeping over the edge, my knees bent ready to leap, my hands in the perfect divers form…but there I continue to stand. The water is so beautiful in its perfection as its whole being is to be as the Shepherd is. I am faced with the questions, “you want to know me? You want to do my will?” “Of course” is my first thought followed quickly by “sweetest pain,” and so there I stand on the bank of the river.

Enough is enough! My selfishness has kept my feet planted on this bank for far too long. I am saying goodbye to all MY hopes, MY dreams, MY false identity, MY self preservation, MY expectations, MY way, MY image, MY security, MY entitlements. Goodbye to doing the will of the Father for MY benefit (if even possible), to all MY striving for affirmation, MY need to do everything right but not living rightly, goodbye to PRIDE.

Bring on the “sweetest pain” and the “lowest place.” My desire is to flow as water flows. My perfect form does nothing for me, I belly flop into the water. Consider this an alter.